If Ninjas Owned A Answering Machine
by Chibibabygaara-onhiatus
Summary: Just what the Title says. Some character's OOC but... it's funny.
1. Chapter 1 Naruto

**I found out that this fanfic got deleted a while back... the writer was my best friend... what writer's block can do to ya huh? So I decided to do this fanfic dedicated to her workmanship... workwomanship... yeah...**

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**Naruto's answerphone:**

"This is Naruto's answer thingy ma bob, If you want me really badly or if you are Sakura-chan I will either be training or at Ichiraku, leave a beep after the ramen, I mean leave ramen after the beep."

Message1#: I will KILLLLL YOU...hiss hiss, Gabeep

Message2#: ummm...Na...Na...Na...naru...Ru...Ru...Ru... beep

Message3#: Naruto you bastard, lots of my underwear is missing and I know it was you! I'll kill you next time I see you. Sakura beep

Message4#: Uzumaki Naruto this is the Akats... Happy Smiles Organisation! Please meet our representatives in the field; Wednesday at eight, there will be two people in...Err cloudy dresses and one carries a.… errr pogo stick on his back, don't worry about the blue skin; he has a birth defect, yeah. Just like you! ARGH, I mean, the HSO is an organisation for people like you! Nice, normal people! Not criminals… We all love ramen, too, yeah. We give you ramen if you join the HSO, so sign up today, I mean on Wednesday, yeah, in the field… Pogo stick, birth defects, yeah… If you follow them to a big cave they will give you ramen ... yeah. beep

Message5#: Naruto this is Neji... If you have any brooms bring them to the branch house on Friday! DIE MAIN HOUSE! beep

Message6#: Uzumaki Naruto, This is the Hyuuga main house ringing, do not give any brooms to Neji! Give them to us, on Thursday! beep

Message7#: Ummmm Na...Na…Naru...to...-k...Kun …beep

Message8#: Naruto this is Ino, I'm ringing because Hinata has been trying to get a hold of you all week. She's the one who keeps putting the phone down. She told me to tell you that you must ignore any calls from her family. Soon is the annual fight between the main and branch house, where they attack each other with broomsticks… What the hell, Hinata? Oh I see, she says especially not to Neji. Then she says to leave flowers instead from my shop. I know you didn't say that but it's good for business. beep

Message9#: Naruto this is Kiba, have you seen Akamaru? Ring me if anyone sees him… beep

Message10#: Naruto this is Naruto. I accidentally locked myself out of the flat again so I was wondering if you could open the door please, or does it not work like that?.. It's cold out here…. beep

Message11#: Hey Naruto this is Kankuro, I was looking at all the calls made from this house, that's how I found this, and Temari didn't call you so it must have been Gaara… Actually I better go he's got a stamp stuck on his head and is getting angry. Hey leave my puppets alone! NOOO! Karasu's poor head! THAT'S IT! beep

Message12#: Hey Naruto this is Temari, apologizing for my stupid brothers' calls, and to say that Gaara really wants Neji and Lee's phone number for some reason, so if you could ring back later. "Temari, Gaara's stuck in the dishwasher again!" ok! Sorry, got to go now. beep

Message13#: Kabuto who am I ringing again? "Uzumaki Naruto, Orochimaru-sama." ahh yesss Naruto, you took my Sasuke-kun, GIVE HIM BACK! GIVE HIM BACK! GIVE HIM BACK! GIVE HIM BACK! GIVE HIM BACK! "Orochimaru-sama it's time for beddy-byes." Ok, bye bye naruto-kun! beep

Message14#: Uzumaki Naruto you did not turn up to our happy smiley meeting on Wednesday, we have taken your sleeping hat and you won't get it back! This is the true wrath of the Akat…. Happy Smiles Organisation… So! Come to the training field with the logs, look out for a man with a plant on his head, the pogo stick man, err how should I describe Itachi a lady with a ponytail… yeah... another lady with a bigger, blonde ponytail and a pretty birdie, yeah. Bring nail polish or the sleepy hat gets it! Muaa! ha! .. Oh, we're so evil. beep

Message15#: Naruto we would like you to come and enjoy the spirit of youth with us tomorrow! Gai beep

Message16#: You have no dick beep

Message17#: Naruto, it's Sasuke. If anybody rings about trying to kidnap you give me their number. Now to stare at myself in the mirror for ten hours practising my kill Itachi glare wearing my favourite pink shower cap and a darlek costume muaa… oh crap. beep

Message18#: Naruto none of that glaring stuff was true! Please, I'll buy you ramen! My reputation as a dark, sexy teen idol is at stake! beep

Message 19#: Hey, Naruto, it's Kakashi, just ringing to say I won't be late tomorrow, but if I am, here's my excuse in advance! I overslept! See you tomorrow! Or not….

NLB: dies from the amount of beeps Ok, next time Shino!

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**A/n- Woah, why don't computers recognise easy names like Naruto and Kakashi.. Being a litmus is so hard.. Just so you know the spelling suggestions for Hinata is "Piñata", and Sasuke is "Sauce", Gai is "Gay" and Naruto is "Narrator". The spell checker lives on! WHOOO!!!**


	2. Chapter 2 Shino and Sasuke

**Shinos answerphone**

Shino's answer phone This is Shino; I'm not here at the moment. Oh, if you're Naruto you won't even recognise me! And even if you DO recognise me I don't want to talk to you anyways! You're not buggy enough. NO ONE IS BUGGY ENOUGH FOR ME! ehem so, leave a message after the beep.

Message #1: Hey, Shino, no wonder no - one likes you; you're mean and weird about bugs. 'beep'

Message #2: Hey, sad-act, it's Kiba. Have you dognapped Akamaru! Where is he? What have you done with him? Have you given him… FLEAS! You are an evil, evil person, Shino. I just hope you're happy with yourself… WHEN YOU'RE IN JAIL! That's where all the dognapping criminals go, you know! You just wait… Akamaru, if you can hear me, I'm coming for you! Hang in there! Don't worry old buddy, I'll save you from mean-o Shino… Yeah… That's right… grr… 'beep'

Message #3: THIS IS NEJI I WANT BROOMS BROOMS BROOMS BROOMS NOW! AHAHAHA HA HA DIE MAIN HOUSE! 'beep'

Message #4: AHA! Your answer message is stupid! Just like you! STOOOOPID! HAH! I am Gaara of the Desert, I have a phone book, I am kazekage, and I am SOOOO COOL! Way cooler than you, "Aburame, S."! "Gaara, quit bugging the bug guy" KANKURO, SHUT UP! I'm on the phone! You have to be quiet when someone is on the phone, where are your manners? Tsk tsk … Go play with your dollies … by order of the kazekage! Oh, wait! You can't, because I KILLED THEM ALL! Muahahahaha ! They went snap! Snap! Snap! Muahahahaha! But, Temaaaaariii, I'm having fun! I DON'T CARE if he's crying, what a baby, baby, baby, baaaaa-beeeeey! "Gaara, come off the phone for your big sister and you can have cake!" I like cake! GIVE ME CAKE! I ORDER YOU! I AM KAZE- 'beep'

Message #5: Hey, Shino, you're the bug guy aren't you? Well, it's Ino here, and I was wondering if you could help me.. I was arranging these lovely flowers when this bug ugly, ok maybe it wasn't so ugly, bug came and bit me on my beautiful face! I'm all swollen up, so if you have some creepy bug OK! Not creepy! Bug potion or something, I'd be really grateful.. I'd hep you collect bugs or something, so long as none of them bite me.. Come ASAP! 'beep'

Message #6: Shino, Shikamaru here, hurry up, Ino is being really troublesome. She's gone kinda crazy, holding Chouji hostage with no food, and hitting Neji with this broom. They're all screaming in the background, sorry about that. It's weird watching them, Neji keeps grabbing at the broom when it's embedded in his face and Ino is only landing a hit every so often because she's wearing a mask to make sure no one sees her face.. I'd rather be watching clouds or something, so come quick and make stuff less troublesome. 'beep'

Message #7: BROOMS! 'beep'

Message #8: HI! This is Tenten! Since you're like, into insects and stuff, do you want to watch a snail race at the weekend? Are snails insects, I'm not sure… Since I'm really boring, do you want to join me in this attempt at being interesting? There's bu-ugs! Give me a call if… actually, just call me, because I can't obsess about how cool Neji is, because he's just not cool right now.. 'beep'

Message #9: HA! HA! I GOT CAKE! And I am ringing you, HA! I am the all powerful kazekage, I totally rock ….Mmph this cake is nice… beep

**Sasuke's Answerphone**

This is Sasuke's answerphone; I am busy planning ways to KILL Itachi, MUHAHAHA! Oh, if you are a fangirl please don't bother. Everyone seems to think I am gay for Naruto or Orochimaru anyways. Naruto, No, Kakashi-sensei, NEVER AGAIN, Sakura, you count as a fangirl, like it or not. BUT, if anybody, ANYBODY AT ALL knows where my ugly, stinky, mean older brother is tell me! TELL ME! After the beep.

Message#1: This is Sakura, no don't delete it straight away, I think the Akatsuki have been ringing Naruto I heard the message when I was on a mission to retrieve some underwear 'beep'

Message#2: Hey, it's Naruto, Sakura told me to give you the Happy Smiley Organisation number, or she'd pound me Tsunade style. The number is 44151410561816511. Can I have a ramen reward now? You know you want to buy me ramen in your fit of obsessive gratitude, like you always are with anything to do with Itachi-san. 'beep'

Message#3: SASUKE! GIVE ME ALL YOUR BROOMS! 'beep'

Message#4: This is the Happy Smiles Organisation. We have received exactly a million phone calls from you, Mister Sasuke, asking about someone called Itachi. We do not know an Uchiha Itachi. If we did we wouldn't like him. "Give me the phone!" AGH! "That HURT!" It was only a nipple cripple! Hello foolish little brother, this is the ultimate ruler of the world, living in a cool mysterious… mystery spot... "we live in a cave!" Well, it's way cooler than in the place where YOUR FAMILY WAS MURDERED! MUAHAHAHA I am laughing at you now. MUAHAHAHAHA! Also, I'll let you know that the night I killed the clan, I did secret little poos all around the house, HAHA! you will never find them all. My poos could beat you stupid! HAHA! I did one in your bed, too. I bet you have been sleeping in evil guy poo for years! Poos... "Itachi, get off the phone we're going shopping, yeah...Itachi, put it down to the left... A bit more... No, now to the right, yeah, no that's your head, aw, great, he's knocked himself out again, yeah. I keep telling him that he needs glasses! Right, just put the phone down and drag him along. 'beep'

Message#5: BROOMS! 'beep'

Message#6: Yeah, Sasuke, that's right. I DID call him Itachi-san. JUST TO PISS YOU OFF! Where's my ramen!

Message#7: Sasuke-kun, I never meant that I was stealing Naruto's underwear, I thought he had mine! I SWEAR I am NOT an underwear thief. The answer to the other message, no I have not broken into your house to steal your tomatoes.  
'beep'

Message#8: OH MY GOD I LOVE YOUUUUU! 'beep'

Message#9: HAHAHA! This is the super cool kazekage, Gaara of the Desert! Uchiha Sasuke you're stupid, and err… you smell! HAH! I'm not running out of insults Temari! Errr… AHA! A few weeks ago when I visited Konoha, I stole stuff from everybody's house! And I stole all your tomatoes! MUHAHAHA. I made a cake with them! Stop telling me to shut up! I don't care about the phone bill, I'm the Kazekage! 'beep'

Message#10: Sasuke, about earlier, it wasn't a monster trying to eat you, It was Ino-chan, she got bit by a bug and it broke out into... something. It was very odd… She's in the hospital now with multiple burns, so if you see something burnt don't finish her off please. 'beep'

Message#11: SASUKE-KUUUN WHY DID YOU RUN AWAY FROM ME! PLEASE COME BACK, loads of love from your wife Orochimaru. 'beep'

Message#12: This is Kabuto; Orochimaru-sama has gone insane ever since you hit him on the head with a shovel and ran away, stealing some of our tomatoes on your way out! "Kabooo-toooh, I'm a lady! " Yes Tsunade, I'm coming to tell you your bedtime story. Oh yeah, it's not the real Tsunade, Orochimaru's renamed himself, drawn a seal in on his forehead in marker pen and stuck pillows to his chest… 'beep'

Message#13: Sasuke this is Chouji, thank you for saving me from Ino. Bye. 'beep'

Message#14: Hey Traitor. 'beep'

Message15: Foolish little brother I was just ringing to remind you why you are so weak. Why are you weak? YOU HAVE NO FASHION SENSE. I will always be prettier than you, can you remember how glossier my hair is? Definitely compared to that thing on the back of your head, that ducks arse. My eyelashes too, my nails, my lips. Kisame I do NOT look like a girl! GO AWAY YOU DEFORMED GOLDFISH. I know goldfishes are orange I'm not blind! What are you laughing at! you...you...goldfish...a goldfish who's really cold. Anyways back to laughing at my foolish, weak and UGLY brother. Wait I can't see the phone which one is it? there is...five? 'beep'


	3. Chapter 3 Sand Sibs

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Sand Siblings answer machine.

"Kankuro you fool is it on? This is the best person in the world GAARA OF THE DESERT,"

"hey it's ours to you know, you little brat"

"Get off me Kankuro you fat bastard. AGH! Your fat is swallowing me!"

"Hey this is Temari, Kankuro and Gaara, sorry we're not here right now, Gaara and Kankuro are either being stupid or Gaara is leaving evil messages."  
"Temari that message is not evil enough, it needs to be eeeevil!"

"Oh shut up Gaara nobody finds you scary anymore, please leave a messa...

Message#1: Hey Gaara of the diarrhea, stop ringing me! Or I'll come all the way to your house and kill you! I have a feeling you stole my sleeping hat! The one and only Hokage Uzamaki Naruto THE BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. I know i'm not hokage yet but I will be soon, just you wait! 'beep'

Message#2: Gaara, it isn't true that Lee stole your eyebrows, Kankuro was lieing. Hey Temari it's me Tenten, from leaf, remember I was in the chuunin exams, the one with brown hair who didn't really do...anything, yeah the one you kicked the crap out of, even though nobody even really bothered to watch our fight, well anyways apart from that, do you want to come watch a snail race at the weekend, I heard that Herbert is racing! There'll be err cake and snails and balloons and...'beep'

Message#3: Gaara-sama! All this paperwork... when will you be coming back! There's a scary pink haired girl demanding her underwear back. Oh no! AGH HELP ME! wait don't do that It'll fall NOOOO 'beep'

Message#4: YOU IDIOT WHEN I CAME FOR MY UNDERWEAR I GOT KILLED BY ALL YOUR DAMN PAPERWORK, YOU'RE WORSE THAN TSUNADE-SAMA! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU. Hey Kankuro, Temari how are you guys, please could either of you get my underwear back off your IDIOT BROTHER. bye 'beep'

Message#5: This is your neighbor, me and my husband are concerned. We don't mean to be nitpicky, seen as you are all 'good' kids who we've known for a long time. Last night, we saw Gaara playing with pink thongs and wearing bra's as headgear. We all know he has lots of fangirls, but please may he not bring them back. Thank you 'beep'

Message#6: This is your neighbour again, yes Kankuro we were implying that you don't have fangirls.'beep'

Message#7: Yes it's me again. No, make-up and kitty hats are not in fashion, Kankuro, and I know eyebrowless guys aren't either, that's not the point. Yes I'm on the phone to the neighbours from hell, Yeah the ugly ones, no not them Gaara Temari and Kankuro, yeah, no-brows, fatty and 'that' girl .'beep'

Message#8: Kazekage-sama, We are calling about an incident last night, your neighbours, house was attacked by marionettes, a big gust of wind, and an eyebrowless man wearing a pair of nickers on his head. We hope you will be able to catch the culprits soon Kazekage-sama 'beep'

Message#9: You took all my tomatoes! HOW DARE YOU! YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS NO EYBROWS AND YOU ARE SMELLY. I'll steal all your teddies. 'beep'

Message#10: No Gaara, teddies, rocks, and Sakura's underwear do not count as friends...now about that underwear, never mind, I didn't say that! It was my evil...pet guinea pig...noddy...he can talk. 'beep'

Messagge#11: Gaara-sama, there is still alot of paperwork. 'beep'

Message#12: Kankuro we are ringing to tell you that you are no longer a member of the puppet pals. NYAH 'beep'

Message#13: How dare you Kankuro, we are not some sad gay little twats that won't leave you alone we are the almighty PUPPET PALS! 'beep'

Message#14: You bastard the PAL certainly does not stand for that!'beep'

Message#15: Hey Temari, this is Tenten again, remember the snail races are tomorrow, there's going to be a huge cake there. Lee said he'll come with us, you musn't have had the time to reply to my last message, never mind. Gai-sensei will be there too, he's cheering for the enemy Harry though! see you tomorrow 'beep'

Message#16: Gaara, I know it was you who took Akamaru, first I thought it was Shino because he's wierd like that, then I thought Chouji must've eaten him, but he arrived home the other day. Smelling of you, that smelly smell and cake. YOU BASTID.'beep'

Message#17: Kankuro this is Gaara ringing from my office. YOU ARE GAY MUHAHAHAHAHA and...and...HIRA GET IN HERE! What are some of the stupidest things about my brother! say them loud or I'll fire you.  
"Well, that...hat is a wierd shape, like a cat. I don't like cats because my mother was thrown off a bridge by a cat. He wears purple make-up which looks like he fell asleep in paint. He plays with an ugly puppet that reminds me of my great great auntie bill. He always says jam, and it makes me hungry."  
"It's jan."  
"He smells like...teatree oil I don't like that because it reminds me of when my family was infested with headlice. They stole my camel."  
OVERALL BROTHER NOBODY LIKES YOU, THEY NEVER WILL. Hira I CAN think of insults, you're FIRED you drugged up tramp. You, you! now where was I?...Kankuro you! 'beep'

Message#18: Hey Temari, it's me Tenten! agiain. Just checking you'll remember to come, seen as you never answer the phone or ring me back...I've seen the cake it's HUGE! I just can't wait to taste it! just imagine it. I can't wait until tomorrow! See you there!


	4. Chapter 4 Akatsuki

Akatsuki's Answer machine THIS IS THE EEEEEEVIIIILLLLISST VIIIIIILAINS IN THE WUUUUURRLD! In our cooool mysterious hideout! the Akatsu...  
"Shut up yeah we have to be the happy smiley orginisation! filling the world with love bunnies flowers and birth defects yeah."  
"Shut up Deidara, we are eeeevill!"  
"Kisame we're not evil! we're evil and PRETTY! Apart from you and Zetsu! Right leader?"  
"How would I know I'm just floating eyeballs. Fools."

"Hey you guys, someone was throwing slug pellets and poo at me!"  
"Manure, Zetsu, Manure."  
"We can't have Zetsu and Kisame's voice on this, it ruins the pretty-ness, right Deidara."  
"Yeah Itachi yeah."  
"Right well then here's the weed killer and flush Kisame down the toilet."  
"Right yeah."  
"If this is Sasuke, you're a foolish and ugly little brother, and I have one word for you. POO. MUHAHAHAHA."  
"Can I be on the message I'm a good boy, right Zetsu, Zetsu! IS HE DEAD!"  
"Yeah anyways leave an evil..."  
"Or pretty!"  
"Message after the beep yeah."

Message#1: ITACHI! 'beep'

Message#2: I WILL! 'beep'

Message#3: KILLL 'beep'

Message#4: Hi this is the ALMIGHTY, puppet pals! Sasori we haven't heard from you in a while... 'beep'

Message#5: YOU! 'beep'

Message#6: DUDE! Your message is sooo evil and cool! Want to build pretty, sandcastles with me...wait are you the guys who killed me? If you are then tell Shukaku he smells haha. "Gaara how the hell did you get the Akatsuki's number?" It was in the phonebook under evil mysterious psycho's and again under clan killers, turning family into dolls and in the garden centre section. Oh! and good boys. 'beep'

Message#7: Itachi last night I found your precious Mr.Flibbles penguin, I killed him! 'beep'

Message#8: Are you guys evil geniuses or just plain evil? Because if you're geniuses can you do my maths homework? Your number was in the phonebook after all. 'beep'

Message#9: SASORI IS DEAD! WHAAAT WHY! WHO KILLED HIM! 'beep'

Message#10: HE WAS KILLED BY HIS GRANNY? Well then he is a disgrace to the ALMIGHTY puppet pals and we demand our limited edition golden member pin back! Or I will send punch and judy to attack you! 'beep'

Message#11: Mister Hoshigaki.K do you like fish? Do you like water? Do both interest you? Well then come down to our showroom TODAY! We have a sale on garden ponds! Come down now and you get a FREE rubber ducky called Hoshikisauchiitadeitobizemysteriousleader with limited edition quacking power! 'beep'

Message#12: I want my sleeping hat back! I'll give you anything! Apart from the Kyuubi, I can't get it out, I tried once with a spoon. It didn't work... 'beep'

Message#13: Deidara we are afraid that we can not send you the weekly newsletter of licky art hands because in the box for gender you ticked both. Thank you. 'beep'

Message#14: Deidara, this is KFC, Kentucky.Fried.Chicken. We would like you to be the new face of our finger licking good adverts. Next time you do evil acts could you wear a chicken cape and a KFC bucket on your head. We will pay you in clay. Just don't blow yourself up because it might put people off. 'beep'

Message#15: Itachi. You should have gone to specsavers. 'beep'

Message#16: We recieved a call from a H.Kisame recomending a U.Itachi for our laser eye surgery program. We have never heard of his rare condition, Overuse of Mangekyou or Too Sharingan-fied. However after hearing your description, we have decided he is almost blind. 'beep'

Message#17: Fools! This is me your leader! Open the rock. I cannot get in because I am only eyeballs and a shadow. 'beep'

Message#18: Zetsu can you lay eggs? 'beep'

Message#19: Brooms! (cough) This is Hyuuga Neji. Uchiha Itachi you killed your clan. I would like you to teach me how. DEATH TO THE MAIN HOUSE. Preferrably killing them with some broom influenced method involved. I will give you nail varnish. Lots of it. Mascara too. Neji. DIE MAIN HOUSE. 'beep'


	5. Chapter 5 Neji

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Neji's answerphone

This is Neji. Destiny has already predicted that you will say, yes wonderful master Neji I will give you brooms. By the way Tenten DESTINY SAYS NOOOOO. I'm so great did you know that. I have the best triumphant smirk in all of Konoha. My hair is the best too! I have plenty of fangirls; right Tenten The only thing about me that isn't great is that I have an ugly rival! You all love me, yes you do, yes you do! Neji loves you too! APART FROM THE MAIN HOUSE DIE, DIE, DIE, DIIIIIEEE! I HATE YOU. Leave love and brooms after the beep!

Message#1: Neji this is Tenten! The snail races are tomorrow are you going if you do come you have to promise to behave! You always act weird this time of the year! 'beep'

Message#2: Tenten how can you say that I'm weird once a year you're weird for a week every month. Wait I've rung my own phone...I never knew I could do that...Strange. 'beep'

Message#3: Neji I have a broom, but if I give it to you then you need to do something for me. Sakura. 'beep'

Message#4: Neji, if you call me up again about brooms, so help me GOD I'LL-"Hey, Naruto! Wanna get some Ramen with me" DUH-UH! 'beep' (By Shinigami Goumon)

Message#5: Neji I'll give you all the brooms you want, IF you get my underwear back from Gaara, you remember him, he was the psycho from the chuunin exam, only now he's gone cake and underwear crazy. I'll give you broo-ooms! 'beep'

Message#6: Fine love too, but only a hug or I'll KILL YOU, PAINFULLY. 'beep'

Message#7: Neji, we the main house will beat you in the broom fight because we're soooo cooler. "do the victory dance!" I can't do the victory dance he won't see it! I'm on the phone! Ignore that last bit, ignoramus from the BRANCH house. We're gonna beat your ass so bad in this fight you won't be able to poo for a week! That's right, byotch! 'beep'

Message#8: Of course I'll help you kill your clan Neji! On one condition. SAVE MR.FLIBBLES! Also kick Sasuke for me. Ohhh, me so evil. Having long pretty hair is great isn't it! I just love it. Do you want to catch up with me sometime and we can like, go to the beauty salon and get our nails and hair done, and like, totally bitch about how cool we are and how totally lame everyone else is! Babes, you know the one and only Itachi… "Is gay!" I'm going to kill you Kisame! "Argh! Not the gills!" Look! Do you want me to flush you? 'beep'

Message#9: Neji! why did you kick me! You're so mean! Since I'm the sharinganified sexy Sasuke I can get Sakura to break all the bones in your body! She's my bitch! Now where did I put my shower cap… Time to dance! CRAP! I need to remember to put the phone down…'beep'

Message#10: Please Neji don't tell anyone I'll give you super brooms! I might even sabotage the main house somehow, just don't ruin my sexiness…'beep'

Message#11: Neji-kun, I've taken your underwear! To play with and stuff. It's cool. HEH HEH HEH. YOU'RE MY FRIEND. MY NAME IS MEI-CHAN NICE TO MEET YOU. I'm your stalker… OOH! What tattoo parlour did you get your forehead done at? 'beep'

Message#12: Neji this is the Hyuuga Neji fan-club. You are no longer cool. We have found you insane and unstable over the past month. We are disbanding. Tenten will be glad, as we will no longer send her threats. If you have any fangirls left. Saddo. Then they will attempt to kill Haruno Sakura as you were caught shaking her hand. 'beep'

Message#13: MUAHAHAHAHA HAHA You almost thought you had escaped the EVIL phone call wrath of Gaara of the Desert! I have stolen your GHD hair straighteners and will never EVER give you them back! I have to use them to iron those lovely silky knickers I have "acquired". I took some bottles and things off your dressing table too, I might put them in my cake I am giving to the nice snail race people, I've never liked snails anyways. ON WITH MY INSANITY! "Oh, hell, he's on the phone again, Temari" SHUT UP FATASS! I have a cake mix and I'm not afraid to use it! Hang on, if YOU had any more to eat you'd DIE! … of… FATNESS … And stuff like that… MUAHAHAHA HAHA ……. !BANG! OWWW Temari, that really hurt! You bitch, I'm gonna have you fired, I'm the kazekage, and I'll have you stoned to death! YEAH! WITH ROCK CAKES! I'll make 'em right now, in fact… 'beep'

Message#14: MY ETERNAL RIVAL! THIS IS LEE! COME CELEBRATE YOUTH WITH ME AND COMRADE TENTE-"Shut UP, Caterpillar Brows!" "HEY! Quit waving your arms about like that! You knocked my cake out of my hand!" "Yeah! We're tryin' to watch the snail races!" NEJI! I WILL DEFEAT Y- BAKWAKTHAKKRAK-"I thought we told you to shut up!" "Down in front, bowl head!" (Beep!) (Another from the cool Shinigami Goumon. Plus a tidgy bit by Chibi)


	6. Chapter 6 Orochimaru

**Orochimaru's Answerphone**

This is the pretty princess Orochi! This is my answer machine. I'm not here because, my mummy, Kabuto is either giving me a bath or reading me a bedtime story! Or we're out together looking for my husband, what was his name again Sauce...Saucy...Sausy

"Sasuke." YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSASSSSSSSSSSSSUKE! Kabuto I want chicken shapes for din-dins!

"Which ones Orochimaru-sama? The dinosaurs, spaceships or pirates"

DON'T CALL ME OROCHI-MARU, Maru is for boys, and I'M A GIRL! call me Orochi-hime! Now why did we set up this again THAT'S RIGHT!

"Why did you set it up Orochi...-hime?"

So that I can get messages off all my friends.

"What friends" There's a big list! Jiraiya, Tsunade, Itachi-kun, Kisame, Zetsu, Sasori, eyeball leader all the other Akatsuki members! Who else AHHH Naruto, Sasuke, that other one, Yondaime! My old sensei...

"He's dead."

WHAT! WHY IS SENSEI DEAD! HOW! (sob sob)

"You killed him."

Sensei prove silly willy, heh heh I said willy, Kabuto wrong by leaving a message about how you love me!

Message#1: Stop ringing me you freak, I don't like you! When you trained me you made me wear a dress! And it wasn't even pretty-ful...What would my brother say...Don't even think of the barney song. If you don't stop ringing me I'll tell Itachi all those stories you told me when you were on Ribena. The one and only Uchiha. Sasuke

Message#2: Sorry I...I think you have the wrong number...T...T...T...THIS Isn't Neji, it's his c...c...c...cousin. Although I'll a...a...a.ask him if he want to join the pretty b...b...b...b..boy club.

Message#3: We the Akatsuki are not your friends,yeah! You are ugly and are not part of our orginisation for a reason yeah!

Message#4: Why aren't we your friends You want to take Itachi's body, you eat like a snake, you look like a snake, you wear too much make-up and you have this thing for little kids! "Zetsu stop talking to him you might catch ugly and gay." Ok Itachi, "Zestu don't go near Itachi you might catch gay." Ok Kisame.

Message#5: Orochi-hime this is me Kabuto ringing on my way back from the shops you haven't done anything stupid have you. Please pick up the phone!

Message#6: Hi we are delivering all the baby rattles, toy snakes and nappies you ordered, but where IS your house, Mister…..Bottom-Burp… (long pause), some whispers) …Prankster! You may have got the better of the awesome delivery company today, but mark my words, when we trace this phone number we will be on you like stink on a bum!

Message#7: Did YOU take my sleepy hat! I bet you have, I still haven't found the culprit but I bet it was you, you MEANIE SNAKEY POO BUM STINK KNICKERS (heh knickers) OROCHIMARU! I'll come to your secret lair and kill you. Then I shall snack on ramen on your dead snakey body… But first your lair… I'll find it just you wait, the hokage will get back his sleepy hat! The one, the only hokage (cough, soon to be) the super dude that you couldn't kill, only knock out in the forest of doom! Doom doom doom! Rrraaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha… (cough) Uhm, yeah… Gimme my hat back!

Message#8: Orochimaru this is Tsunade. I was wondering if you want to get together for chicken shapes and mash. Don't worry I won't poison you. So how about it, Orochi-hime

Message#9: You're such a spoil sport Kabuto, killing him in his state of mind is only fair.

Message#10: This is Harry Potter and I will kill you Voldemort! No, wait sorry wrong number. You were under snake like and wierd.

Message#11: You are nasty very nasty you will only be good if you kill yourself. How much are you paying me for this again Tsunade?… Oww! You won't be pretty until you kill yourself.

Message#12: Hey Orochimaru, this is Tsunade, again. Just wanted to remind you about how I am the one with the only Uchiha in my village. Victory for ME! Not you. Haha Bitch... It's better this way anyways, I've always known you were a kiddy fiddler! You horrible nasty pedo!

Message#13: Hey, why are you Orochi-hime? That's well stupid .Even though you don't have a dick, you aren't a girl. You aren't sexy. You can't even do sexy no jutsu. You're shit.

Message#14: This is the awesome delivery company again, we didn't realise your house was invisible and that we were stood on your doorstep and that you had a big spiked pit on your doorstep and that you had a mad old grandma, who seems to be waving a bag of chicken shapes around with her skirt on her head… Do you want to put her in a home, Mister Bottom-Burp?

Message#15: Hey, this is NOT a call from someone in secret from the Akatsuki, yeah… I just want to know, what conditioner does Orochi-hime use? Her hair is totally fabulous, yeah!

Message#16: BROOMS! GIVE ME BROOMS! DON'T ASK ME HOW I GOT YOUR NUMBER! AAAARRRRRG!


	7. Chapter 7 Tsunade

**Tsunade's Answer phone **

I'm not here. Leave a message if you're from MY village. If you're one of those people that own various places where gambling is involved, Tsunade isn't here she's err...dead. Yes, that's right dead, she got beaten to death with a...napkin. Beaten to death with a napkin that's right and a...carriage clock. Wow I could write a detective story about that and get loads of dosh. To answer your question already, NO- Jiraiya I do NOT want to star in your latest book or movie, suggest it again and I'll kill you.

#1 We are the ramen company, we are outside the gates with 16 tonnes of ramen, ordered anonymously form this village... Open the gates please, and who is the old witch that will pay? We are waiting old witch...

#2 Hokage, this is the Kazekage. I'm calling to talk business like a grown-up Kazekage "FOR ONCE!" Now, now Temari, that was uncalled for. (sniff) Now, about our alliance, perhaps it could include you supplying me with your students underwear... Cake too. Kankuro I'm not getting fat! You're the fat one! FATTY, FATTY. In return for the knickers I would happily give you my brother as a slave.

#3 TSUNADE! We know you're not dead! Your face is on a bloody mountain for fuck's sake! Anyhow you owe us money! Your debts are bigger than your boobs! (now that's saying something!) If you don't pay us then we will start repossessing stuff! Starting with your SAKE!

#4 Tsunade-sama, it's Sakura.. I think somebody is watching me. I'M NOT INSANE. I'm very close to having only one mind. Wait I can see that pervert now, his baldy eyebrowless forehead is reflecting the sun... Just to let you know your alliance with sand might end tomorrow.

#5 I am binky-boo the dinosaur chicken, I live in a town called...foodtown...full of crispy dinosaurs, but there's only one chicken! Can YOU find the ONLY CHICKEN IN THE JUNGLE. "Orochi-hime, don't play with your food or else you won't get any pudding!" Yes mammy...

#6 Ich habe fussball gespielt. Ich habe buch gelesen! KABUTO! MEIN BEIN TUT WEH, MEINE PO TUT WEH. "Orochi-hime, I can't understand you..."

#7 OI! This is your sucsessor! I demand you send ANBU to retrieve my sleepy hat! Or else I will... do...something... bad!

#8 Tsunade-sama! Tonton has been reposessed! I don't have anything to huggle no more... Well I tried it with Ino, she's the closest thing to a pig I could find. She wasn't very happy though, she ran away shouting FIRE!

#9 Great "Big busted" Tsunade of Konoha "Smells" . This is the Happy Smiles Organisation, we are planning a trip to a water park for "gay" happy children. We would like to take Uzumaki "bums" Naruto on this trip, so please could you tell him to meet us by the gates at 6.30 am on Friday. Thank you "Fat bitch" Kisameeee you're ruining my call! I'll get Itachi to buy a tiger that'll try and eat you out of your goldfish bowl bed. MUAHAHAHA me so evil...

#10: Tsunade this is your fellow sannin Jiraiya! The better one. DON'T HURT ME! You just hate me cos frogs are better! Slugs are stooopid they're only good for stuffing up your bra! Don't send Naruto on me! Well apart from that I'm ringing to see if you will 'lend' some characteristics for my new novel. Not that this new character will be anything like the other one, Tunude.

#11: I'm ringing to complain. About that crappy team you assigned me to! First I will bitch about Sai, he was obsessed about Naruto's penis, he was placed in the team by somebody who hates you, is there a chance of him trying to betray us? IDIOT! Then there is Sakura, who falls and passes out alot, but then she's scary... you-style... Then Naruto's...just a bit of a knobhead really. Yes, I've got a will, no worries.  
#12: BITCH! THIS IS THE MAIN HOUSE! HOW DARE YOU CANCEL OUR FIGHT, WE WILL NOT ALLOW IT! THE FIGHT WILL GO ON!

#13 BROOOMS!

#14: You can't cancel our fight! The branch house was sure to win this time! Neji got us extra brooms! I'm not crying my eyes are just swimming, I'm on the phone go play with your hair or something! Please Tsunade we'll give you... a... a hoover! Wait that gives me an idea! Ohhh, Neee-eejiiiiii...  
#15: Thank y-you for c-c-cancelling the fight, h-h-hokage sama... I... I'm.. so re- re- relieved...

#16: HOKAGE-SAMA! I demand you wage war on the village of sand for the henious crime of eyebrow removal! My poor little Lee is still not recovered! The marker pen eyebrows came off in the bath! Now he has to wear a HAT, and it hides his beautiful hair!


	8. Chapter 8 Kakashi

**Kakashi's answer phone! **

Hey it's Kakashi here, mmph! mmph mm!  
SHUT UP RIN I'M KEEPING YOU SAAA-AAAFFFE! I promised Obito I'd KEEP YOU  
SAFE! mm-mmm... Get back in your SAFE cupboard! Thank you. Ehem, so  
yeah if you're ringing about me being late I'll be there in five minutes,  
I'm helping a cow out of a tree right now. Unless this is Jiraiya, in that  
case, yes I would love to help you write your new book and I'll be there  
a.s.a.p!

#1 Hi it's yamato, I want to know when you will be back to take charge of  
those LOSERS, I'm sick of wasting chakra chasing that weirdo snake dude,  
putting my life on the line for a couple of brats and stuff... Have you ever  
had your ass kicked by Tsunade? She's a total bitch, I mean, and then she  
takes it out on nice people like me! Ugh, I totally need a holiday. It's  
been fun chatting, ring me again sometime!

#2 Hey there, it's.… uhm... eh ... Naruto? I was uh.. ringing you...  
Carrie?... Kisame?... oh, yeah, Kakashi-sensei, to.. um... to ask you, ...  
wotsit... coz, like, I um... can't remember stuff much... and its  
annoying, and... people.. are like, getting ... sore... no, hurt and  
stuff...  
But, more importantly, What was it... I can't remember where I put my...  
my... my um... my cup ramen! Or where...that place ... ichi...ra ...  
ramenroo?...ichi...but it sells ramen... so... wait, who am I ringing?

#3 Hello. I am the new and improved kazekage, Gaara of the Desert. I am  
mature, calm, ...'rustle' dignified, distinguished, ...'rustle' respected  
and in no way stupid. I am telephoning you to ask whether Haruno Sakura has  
moved house. What with you being her sensei, I assumed you would be able to  
share such knowledge. Thank you, and 'rustle' with regards, Gaara of the  
Desert.('click' - the phone hasn't been hung up properly in case you're  
wondering)  
PHEW! HEY! TEMARI, DIDYA HEAR THAT! DIDJA, DIDJA! On the phone! I  
was MATURE and CALM! HAHAHAHAHA! I CAN do it!  
"Anyone can use big words when they have a thesaurus open in front of them,  
Gaara."  
Not if they can't read ...'rustle' or are dyslexic!. Nyarr! Kankuro, go  
away, no fatties ..'rustle' or OBESE people allowed... 'rustle'  
PERMITTED!  
" He's got a theasaurus AND the phonebook... it's best you leave, Kanky"  
"Kanky? What's with that?"  
HAH KANKY WHAT A STUPID NAME!  
"You'll have to leave and go into hiding to protect your reputation now,  
Kanky."  
"ARRGH! YOU'RE RIGHT!"  
I'M GONNA BREAK ALL YOUR DOLLIES AGAIN! MOOOHAHAHAHA  
woah.. I am a cow... GASP! COWZEKAGE! I AM THE ALL POWERFUL COWZEKAGE! MOOOHAHA! MOOHAHAHAHA!

#4: Kakashi-sensei, it's Sakura, I need your help. All week Neji fan girls  
have been trying to kill me. I don't know why! I mean I thought one was  
going to kill me with a red hammer the other day but it was just Tenten and  
she would never kill me! So could you please scare them away with your  
perverted-ness, or old man smell... If not I'll get Naruto or Lee, but your  
book scared Sasuke when he read it so it must be scary.

#5: This is the branch house, we have noticed your hair is rather, mop,  
duster or even BROOM like. Could we borrow you for the broom fight, perhaps?  
Just don't tell Tsunade, or that little grass Hinata! "We need to go now!  
Hisashi's bunions need massaging!" Coming! Thank you.

#6: Kakashi-sensei it's me Naruto again. I lost my memory earlier cos  
Sakura-chan hit me real hard! I have a bit of a dent in my head now... Ero-sennin has some big package for you, I'm  
sort of scared to open it…. Can I see your face?……..

#7: HELLO IS ANYBODY THERE! I used redial on the phone, SOMEBODY HELP  
ME! My brother's so mean, he killed all me puppets. Everybody thinks he's all  
good now but he's not! I can't find Mr.pringle! Please rescue me!

#8: Hello there this is eggy bread and I murdered your pork chops,  
"PARKLIFE! ALL THE PEOPLE, SO MANY PEOPLE, AND THEY ALL GO HAND IN HAND,  
HAND IN HAND THROUGH THEIR PARKLIFE." Kabuto! Turn off the radio I don't  
like it 'sniffle' I want to dance to mr.blobby! Blobbyyyy Mr blobbyyyyy!

#9: ULTIMATE RIVAL! I CHALLENGE YOU ONCE AGAIN! THIS TIME WE MUST SEE WHO THE LITTLE FLUFFY KITTENS PREFER!

#10: This is the ugly patrol, a new section of the Happy Smiles Organisation! We were formed when we found out how unhappy ugly people make pretty people feel! I would like to say how ugly your eyes are!  
They so don't match! Mine do, oh yes they're so pretty, take that kakashi!  
I'm right aren't I Tobi? Don't you mumble at me you one eyed freak! Ugly!

#11: Hyuuga main house calling, have you seen that Hinata, if you do see her  
bring her to us so we can…..do something really nasty... Mayeb steal all of her left socks? Or is the right one more important? ODD SOCKY WRATH!

#12: Kakshi, I need you to do a mission with Yamato to make sure the broom  
fight doesn't go on. I know he's a whiny bitch, but if you don't do it I will outlaw everything to do with Jiraiya!

#13: Yamato calling, to talk about the mission. I don't want to do it… Do  
you? Oh wait it's the answer machine. Why does nobody ever answer!

#14: WONDERFUL NEWS RIVAL! Our students are in love! Well Lee's going to try  
asking Sakura! I'm coming round for a celebration! I know you're there!

#15: Kakashi-sensei! Sakura's gone crazy! Lee tried to kiss her, I'm  
hiding in a phone box, I think he's dead... OH MY GOD IM IN A PHONE BOX WITH A CORPSE!

ARGH!

#16 : Gai-sensei are you there at Kakashi's still! Oh please I need your  
help. When Sakura attacked me, my clothes ripped, her and Naruto have  
fainted…. Please help I'm naked in a phone box! Oh hello little squirrel,  
NO! THEY'RE NOT ACORNS! GAI-SENSEI! AEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

#17: Kakashi-sensei me and Naruto are blind we need eye spray and quick!  
Because I think we're not alone... something is making squeaky noises near the floor...

#18: Kakashi-sensei! It's Sasuke…. You know stuff about women, right? There's a naked black haired girl in my  
bed…. Pale skin... purple eye-shadow…..wait... ARGH! NO GET AWAY PLEASE…..  
"But I'm your wife! Sasuke - kuun!"

GET OFF! ARGH! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!

"Kabuto put on a love song."

'music' "Girls who are boys, Who like boys to be girls, Who do boys like they're girls, Who  
do girls like they're boys"

WRONG SONG!

#19 MOOOOOO! COW STYLE DOOM!

explanation The song is girls and boys by blur... check it out and you will understand...


	9. Chapter 9 The Broom Fight

****

THE BROOM FIGHT!!!

On a cold Sunday morning in the Hyuuga main house's front yard, a shadow moves silently through the mist. Another slips after the first.

Meanwhile, Hinata is making a nice cuppa for herself. She glances out of the window casually, and through sleepy eyes she does not notice the moving shadows in the mist of the front yard. The now muffled military like commands echoing around the yard were unheard, too. If someone was watching form the back of the Hyuuga main house, they would have noticed a large group of people clutching bundles of brooms, mops and suchlike scurry out of the back door. They run mission impossible style to the side of the house, where they wait, in ambush.

Suddenly, the mist clears. For a moment, the two families of the Hyuuga clan stare at each other in silence. Someone coughs at the back, and the spell is broken. With an almighty scream, both sides charge, waving brooms wildly.

These nobles fight really dirty, a lot of pinching, hair pulling and kicking in sensitive places. Over here, we see one pair of broom crazed ninjas do some kendo - type fighting with the handle ends of their brooms, then, when one shows an opening; he has a face full of bristles. Another two are scratching each other with the bristly ends, when one jumps on top of the other's head and begins pulling out his hair. And so on. This continues for about ten minutes. Until the branch house unveil their weapon of dooooom and zoooom! A HOOVER! Finding it hard to lift it up they just suck Hanabi up.

Tsunade, hiding under a bush with fourteen big hairy samurai repo-men, nods to the leader of the repo samurai with the warning "They can smell fear!"

The fourteen samurai quickly begin disarming the crazed Hyuugas, gathering all the brooms up in a big heap. Hearing the commotion at last, Hinata comes running to see what's going on. In her sleepy state, running isn't that great an idea, so she slips on her Barbie dressing gown and knocks herself out cold.

By the time the samurai have finished repossessing all the brooms, all that remains is carnage, and a couple of Hyuugas clawing desperately at the samurai's ankles, begging them to let them have their precious brooms back. Tsunade smiles, still under the bush, pulls out a bottle of sake and mutters "Time for celebration, I got rid of half of my debt with those brooms and kicked the Hyuugas' asses." She promptly takes a big, contented swig, still enjoying watching the injured nobles crawling after the repo men.

Yamato, alone because Kakashi hasn't arrived yet, is also on patrol. Seen as the repo-samurai are taking care of the Vaseline eyed maniacs, known as the hyuuga's, he decides to play with himself. Chess that is ( ). Mokuton style.

Hours later, at noon, Neji is pacing the main house front yard, which is now clear of any bodies (they all went back home for a nice radox bath). He has a huge bundle of brooms, super brooms and three mops in a big bag on his back, which makes him stop a little. Coupled with his crazy eyes, messy hair and sleep-deprived, faraway look, he is a little scary. His current state is because of how excited he has been about the broom fight, he hasn't bothered to brush his hair in days!

Inside the main house, Hinata wakes up to see lots of her family bloodied up, unconscious or bandaged, their pretty long hairdos all messed up, and only half attached to their heads and full of broom twigs. She sighs , and gets a broom to go and clean up.

When she steps outside, a shadow falls on her.

"AHA! AT LAST, YOU MAIN HOUSE WUSSES SHOW UP! Only one? So pathetically armed? PHAH!" Neji screams, hands on hips and a triumphant gleam in his bedraggled hair. Hinata starts, and before she can even say anything, Neji whips out a super broom and attacks her, screaming

"BROOOMS! DIE MAIN HOUSE SCUM!"

Neji lands a hit right on her face, bristle end and all. Hinata squeaks in pain, kicks him in the nuts and runs inside, scared out of her wits. Neji gets back up surprisingly quickly, and runs after her. Hinata gets to the door first, and slams it in his face. He stands there, clawing at the door for a while. He sighs. Time for plan B. If no one would fight him, he would have to do the Special Branch House War Dance for now.

He gets into a starting position, and begins.

"HEEEEEYYY MACARENA!" he cries, shaking his bum and flicking his long hair back in time to his singing.

"When I dance they call me Macarena  
and the boys they say that I'm buena  
DIE MAIN HOUSE!DIE! DIE MAIN HOUSE! DIE!  
So they all come and dance beside me  
move with me jam with me  
and if you're good I take you home with me  
_A la tuhuelpa legria macarena  
Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena  
A la tuhuelpa legria_

MACARENA! HEEY MACARENA!  
_A-hai_  
Now don't you worry ´bout THE MAIN HOUSE  
THE HOUSE THAT SMELLS AND EATS DOG POO  
We don't like 'em, ´cause THEY SMELL  
they were no good so WE BEAT THEM ALL AND THEY DIED! HAHAHAHA!

A la tuhuelpa legria macarena  
Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena  
A la tuhuelpa legria

MACARENA! HEEY MACARENA!"

Neji sings and sings and sings and sings and sings and sings……

Gai-sensei is cartwheeling along, when he hears the beautiful music. He follows the hypnotic sound, and sees Neji is singing and dancing.

"NEJI!" Gai squeals, "You have embraced the springtime of youth at last! Well done, my boy!"

Gai backflips over the fence to his pupil, and starts trying to join in Neji's dance of war. He jumps up and down and waves his socks around. Neji tuts, and stops.

"No, like this." He begins again, this time slower. Gradually Gai catches on, and Neji smiles. Gai calls Lee and Tenten using his dog whistle. Soon, all of them are dancing and even trying to join in on the chorus of "HEEY MACARENA!". Lee is singing higher than usual, and he keeps sitting down, and changing an ice pack in his pants for a fresh one out of the little portable freezer he has hidden in his hat.

As the sun begins to set, the gang are still dancing, with a few more dancers in their group. Tsunade and Jiraiya, dancing around a big pile of empty bottles and linking arms, a couple of the samurai repo men, pogoing to the catchy beat , Sasuke, trying to sing along with his own lyrics of "DIE ITACHI!", Sakura, looking angry and confused at Sasuke, four ladies in black and red cloudy dresses with "HSO" badges pinned on their foreheads, throwing Naruto's sleepy hat to each other as he desperately tries to catch it. They all giggle like girls until Zetsu falls back and gets consumed by a hedge, he falls asleep. And for some reason an old lady with purple eye make up and long black hair who was waving two bags of chicken shapes round her head…. all dancing along to Neji's song. Inside the very empty broom cupboard, Hinata sits, shivering, and jumping every time the shout of "HEEY MACARENA!" resounds.

Kabuto arrives, very out of breath. The old lady hides under her own skirt, making bird noises and spinning round in circles. A few frozen chicken shapes fall out of her skirt.

"Orochi-hime!" Kabuto calls out. "Please come back, it's bath time! The bubbles will all be gone!"

A panic stricken scream comes from under the old lady's skirt. The old lady runs into the fence, falls over, and doesn't move after that. Kabuto runs over to her, grumbling. He picks up her legs and drags her away in an unknown direction. Before he can go out of site, a wave of sand hits Kabuto and the old lady, and an eyebrowless stranger in a cow patterned cape does a flying dropkick at them, screaming

"MOOOO! THE COWZEKAGE ROCKS! MOOO!"

The stranger then waves a pair of knickers in the air in triumph. Sakura sees him, and cracks her knuckles in that scary way.

Kakashi, leading a cow that was chewing a small tree branch, stops on the road. He ties the cow up to the gatepost. The masked stranger runs past them, followed closely by Sakura, and yells

"HELP ME, UDDERED COMRADE!"

"Stay, Garfield!" Kakashi says, and walks slowly up the drive. He calls out to the dancers  
"Hey, I thought I'd stop by and say no thanks to that broom thing, I hope I'm not late!"

Later that night Neji was sat in his bedroom, 11.30pm. Only half an hour until her turns back in HMPF mode. On his hello kitty dressing table lies some puppets, a grin appears on his scratched face. He puts the puppets on and starts the show.  
Cat puppet: Alles Klar?  
Dog puppet: Wie Geht's?  
Cat puppet: Mir geht's schlecht  
Dog puppet: Was ist los?  
Cat puppet: Ich habe schnupfen L  
Dog puppet: Seit wann?  
Cat puppet: Seit drei tagen!  
Dog puppet: Wie oft gehst du schwimmen?  
Cat puppet: jedan tag  
Dog puppet: Bleib in bett  
Cat puppet: Ich gehe ins Bett um viertel nach acht!  
Dog puppet: Ich nicht gern schnupfen.  
Cat puppet: Wass isst du gern?  
Dog puppet: Ich esse gern katze !  
And with that the dog ate the cat. Neji got into bed and tomorrow he would return to a normal sulky state……or would he? And how does he know German?………

Chibi: WOOO! I had so much fun writing the draft for this! BUT! We had more fun writing the talkshow! (I hope shameless advertising works wonders….)


	10. Chapter 10 Sakura

****

Sakura's answer machine:

Hey! This is Haruno Sakura! Sorry I'm not here right now! It's not my fault... Ninja's never answer their phones! Anyways leave me a message after the beep!...HURRY UP YOU BLOODY BEEP! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU SON OF A MACHINE BITCH! OH FUCK IT ALL I'M OFF TO ANNE SUMMERS...beep

#1: Sakura! help me I'm mentally scarred for life 'sob' I need your help, just not naked! ANYTHING BUT NAKED I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I don't like naked... 'sobs'

#2: This is Kakashi just ringing to say DON'T WORRY! I'll sort Sasuke out, he tried to attack you didn't he?

#3: Don't kill me! It's not my fault I swear!

#4: YOU! Girl who knows Hinata, where is she? We will put our toenails in your bed if you don't bring her to us!

#5: You shop at Anne Summers, I thought so! I will buy you all the underwear you want as long as I get to keep it... "Gaara people can't see you nodding down the phone..."

#6: Sakura, this is the YOUTHFUL GREEN BEAST, Gai. I am ringing for LEE! MY POOR SUFFERING MINI-BEAST! He says he's sorry and next time it'll go better...I'm doing a nice guy pose by the way.

#7: Hello Haruno Sakura, this is the Hyuuga Neji fanclub! "yeah!" We think you are having a 'relationship' with him (crying in backround) we caught you red handed hugging him! Oh yes we did... Dump him or die!

#8: Because you contributed to our broom fight we're going to reward you, with cheese, even though Tsuunade stopped us... what a bitch.. could you steal her socks or something for revenge? We can grow more cheese in her socks then! DO IT FOR THE CHEESE!

#9: SAKURA! It's me Ino, ringing to chat, but you're not in. Anyways thanks to that stuff you gave me I'm totally healed! Want to go out for a snack sometime? Well I should go... No wait that Kiba is well horrible! He pushed me over yesterday! And Akamaru ruined my best skirt! They all look the same but this was the best!

#10: Hey Sakura...you're the medic one right? This is Kiba... Well my sisters not here she's a vet but you're close enough. You see...Akamaru... has.. TURNED INTO LEGO! I don't know how it happened,I turned round for six hours to stare at some cabbage, and when I looked back after that short time, he was all square! Oh poor Akamaru! I'll hug you better... AAAAARRRRGGGH! HIS TAIL BROKE OFF ... OH MY GOD NOW HIS HEAD! I'VE KILLED HIM! I'VE KILLED AKAMARU!

#11: Sakura it's Ino again my parents are getting suspicious and I need somewhere to put a...dog, can I use your house? Oh I'm so tired I stayed up late last night 'yawn' ... 'bang' MY PRETTY FACE!

#12: Sakura, Shikamaru ringing. Ino's ugly again, well uglier. She's taken Chouji hostage again and Akamaru. Kiba I wouldn't go in there if I was you... Sigh...'Lot's of banging' ...What troublesome people...

#13: Your friend has captured my...teammate. We need him back to fill in the idiot of the team, I'm not doing it I'm the moody one.

#14: It's Shizune, just calling to warn you... you're going to be reposessed...Tsunade please stop drinking! No don't fall on me! I'm suffocating! MMMFF! ARGGH!

#15: We are happy smiley people. We have a mission for you to get the kyuubi out of naruto, with a spoon... no wait a spork! He should be easy to take apart like... a mashed potato, or a fish! No kisame I'm not talking about your sister. Or a bird! Deidara don't look at me like that! Or maybe a weasel! I'm dizzy... Was that you Itachi? Stop spraying that weed killer at me! I'M GOING MELTY!

#16: This is the cowzekage! By any chance do you have cow patterned underwear? GOT MILK? "Gaara get off the phone or else the phone company people will take your cow suit..." Shut up! I can do what I want! and I like this cow suit it's all chubby, like you! HEY FATTY BUMBUM WANT ANOTHER CREAM CAKE! mmm cake SO! SAKURA! Leave you doors unlocked... It's national Let A Robber In week. (me so clever... cake and milk make me clever!)

#17: Your next mission is to cut that bastard sasuke's arms off so he can't ring or bother pretty itachi anymore. Hehe I'm pretty. DO IT DO IT NOW! GET A KNIFE! AN AXE! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! (The blood tastes nice, by the way, like candies!) Oh and unplug the phone on the way out incase he uses his nose. Or his tongue... actually that's a good thing! Let him electrocute himself!

#18:...'sob'...lego...'sob'...MY DOGGY!

#19: Sakura, I can't find any spoons in my house Where have they gone? Cuz they disappeared after you came round... Where's my novelty sized axe gone, aswell? But anyways... I can't eat ice-cream with chopsticks...well I tried but now my balls are freezing. HELP!


	11. Chapter 11 Kiba

**Kiba's answering machine: **

Yo, this is Kiba 'woof' and Akamaru. You're ringing because you love us,  
mainly me but I don't blame you. We're not here but leave your message on  
how great we are after the beep 'beep'

#1: We know your secret!

#2: Kiba, think straight. Akamaru couldn't possibly turn into lego. Next  
you'll think there's a place called legoland or something like that. Calm  
down and apoligize to Ino.

#3: Hey Kiba this is Ino and guess what. There is a place called legoland!  
And Akamaru is dead! HAHAHAHA!

#4: If you don't steal plants from the Yamanaka's and leave them by the  
village gates I'll tell all of Konoha your secret!

#5: This is the Nekoraru clan of made-up filler village 10! We want to kill  
you! Why? We don't need a reason because we are filler people!

#6: This is Shino leaving a message on how irresponsible you are! You  
should be more like me. I treat all my bugs with respect and make sure they  
don't get kidnapped! So... GASP! I TROD ON SAMUEL! ARGH! I STUMBLE ROUND IN BLIND DITRESS! NOOOOOO I SMOOSHED MY CLOSEST FRIENDS! TIMOTHY! ELIZA! EMANUEL! JACK! FRED! JOEY! CATHERINE! LOUISE! FRANCIS! WAAAAAAAHHHHHH! "achem" because i'm in a bad mood, next time I see you I'm going to smack you with a newspaper on the nose!.

#7: I recieved the flowers, now bring me Shikamaru's underwear! Or I'll tell  
everyone about 'sunny' in front of Kuroda Michiyo.

#8: This is Shikamaru, Kiba Akamaru isn't lego, Ino's taken him hostage. You  
better come and get him before Chouji eats him, she's taken him hostage too  
because she's got an addiction for it. It's all too troublesome.

#9: Shikamaru again, Akamaru escaped because he pissed in Ino's face. Turns out that training you do with him is pretty uselful then... My mum  
said she saw you sneaking in my garden last night by the way. You better not  
be eating out of my bins. I heard Hinata does that.

#10: I meant Neji not Hinata.

#11: Or they could both do it. You never know.

#12: HEY! It's naruto, of course. Your message sucks. Who'd love you, you're a big fat dogbrain! Anyways, do you know why Hinata was round by my bins at about 3 this morning? I thought it was a racoon but she squeaked too high for one of them when I came out with my big stick. ahhh... old biggie... how I love that stick... MINE! MY STICK!

#13:BROO - awww crap I can't say it anymore... I'm gonna go cry now... (sniffle)

#14:HIII! THIS IS Gai! I know I'm not your sensei, but I'm telling you, this is in your best intrests... you must buy my new product!

#15:MOOOHAHAHA... OH GOD! I can't stop! What the hell is wrong with me! I'm the Cowzeka- KAZEKAGE! I should be better than this! Kiba! my good friend! please help me! I am starting to think I have some serious problems.. I can only blame so much on my traumatic childhood, but how do you explain the cow thing? I have never been that close to a cow, I live in the desert, but I'm getting worried now.

#16 Also, I think waffles turn me on... is that wrong?

#17 YES! That's right! BUY GAI-SENSEI'S ALL NEW ALL SPECIES SPANDEX!

For you, your mum, your dog - whoever! The spandex does not discriminate! SO! Look ultra sexy and be uber powerful, within 28 days of shipping!

#19 I'm rolling the newspaper now, kiba... muahahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaa... sorry Francis, I didn't mean to nudge you then... gasp! And you Louise! Wait... you guys are alive! I TAKE IT ALL BACK KIBA! YOU'RE THE BESTEST GUY ALIVE! MY BUGS ARE ALIVE! YAY! I DO A HAPPY TAPDANCE! "tap-squish-tap-smoosh-tap-splat" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

#20 I'll get you back one day Kiba! Just you wait! I'm going to send  
poisonous flowers in the post! I'll make your face burn too! Why must it  
always be MY beautiful face! (cries)

#21 MY STICK MY STICK MY STICK MY STICK MY STICK MY STICK!

#22 Hallo, Inuzuka, K. We're "Mike", "Chester", "Bob", "Ryan" and "Caroline"

"You're meant to have a man name!"

"But... I like Caroline! It's like Kisame anyways!"

"You're Jimmy now."

We're from Pretty Weasle And The Uglies! We -

"I hate that name, Ita-... Tad."

"Shat up, Zets-...Chester. You're my bitch, and I'll make you do a dance routine to my beautiful music anytime I want you to."

"Yes, sir."

Anyways, we're promoting our debut single I Love You Cuz You're Evil Like ME, so, we'll sing you a few bars!

Ok, a one, a two, a one two three four!

"Baaby, you be sooooo eeeeeeviiiillllllll... oooooohhhh eviiiiiiiiillllllllll LIKE ME!

Dooo ya wanna go plaaaaaaaan worrrrrllllld dominaaaaaation with meeee?

I love yooooooouu cuz you're eviiiilllll like meeeeeee!

So Baaaby come plot eviiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllllll with meeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEE!"Hey, it's Yamanaka Ino, you've reached my answer machine. I'm probably not here because I'm out showing the world my beauty, or taking Chouji for walk.He's my pet now.


	12. Chapter 12 Ino

**Inos answerphone**

"More like taking innocent people hostage!"

Shut up Chouji you're my pet you do what I say and I say you can't speak! Don't eat those, they're my cacti! Noo Bindi! Flint! Flint! You had extra long spikes!  
Oh, you're just pretending to die from a perforated neck for attention, I'll have to take you to training classes... BUT! Back to me. Leave me an adoring message after the beep.

#1: Where is Akamaru! You are so evil! I'm going to give you fleas! And  
don't think I won't! I'll post them to you, I'll roll on your bed, and I might even plant some in your knicker drawer if I can find some extra tough gloves.

#2: Buy Gai's super duper mean green suits today! Bursting full of youthfulness! YOUTH!  
Perfect for dancing and attracting pretty ladies! One satisfied customer said "Gai sensei, is this thing on? AH! Yes! My suit is so well formed to my body, I would feel nekked without it! Do YOU want to be naked? Buy now and get free cardboard eyebrows! Yes, you heard me, EYEBROWS! SEXY TIGHT GREEN SPANDEX EYEBROWS!

#3: My stick, my stick, my stick, my stiiiiick. Do you like my stick? Want  
to play with it! Wait no that came out wrong! Don't get the police on me!  
They might take my stick.. He's my fwend ... MINE!

#4: Hello. It's your favourite dude with a tatoo on his head. I'm going to talk to you now, it's better than paying for a therapist, and i dont have to sit in those damned annoying squichy rooms, or wear those tight jackets, although they do emphasise my hips... Yeah, you seem a good person to release my  
troubles on to. Seen as the last person who I talked to laughed at my love  
for waffles, I ask you, is it really that wrong that I get turned on those delicious waffly things?  
Biscuits too now, mainly Jammy Dodgers.The red bit is like... blood... Plus I think I have a cake addiction.  
I'm supposed to be good now right? It's worrying, but I don't feel good... It's all this unholy rage and bloody hatred in me. I blame lightbulbs. I still can't help slaughtering my  
brother's doll- ...puppets and stealing people's underwear. Ah yes underwear I like that too, can you imagine waffle underwear with a jammy dodgery bit? I like Haruno Sakura's it's just that little bit better than yours.I found a pair with a jammy doger bit. They didn't smell like jammy dodgers though. I hid them down the toilet. I keep  
practising a death glare. I can actually make flowers wilt with a look now. And a bit of bashing them.

Ah you're such a good listener. I'll talk to you again soon, I have to hold a tea party with my friends, they're good listeners like you... are you a rock like them?.

#5: I want ice-cream!

#6: This is Pretty Weasel and the Uglies, the newest boyband and the gayest,  
you can thank Itachi and Deidara for that...

Shut up I forgot their stage names!

I don't want to be Caroline. What is that? A fish net! Get off meee! ARGH! MY SEXY FACE!

You love me don't you? This is Tad. Chester bring me my nail varnish! Stop hogging  
it! I was the one who came up with this brilliant idea.I wrote all the songs too, and I wanna see you at our concert! It'll be totally evil and ... groovy. No Ze..Chester we're not going to  
find you a girlfriend! Nobody likes you you're too ugly! I'll write a song about that now.

ZEEE-TSUUUUUUUU IS UGLYYYYYYYYY! HE LOOKS LIKE A POOOOOOOOO!

Doo Doo Doo, Shoo Wap A Doo...

#9:Ino, I need your help... Really badly, It's Naruto by the way. I need  
your clothes, DON'T KILL ME! It's all for the stick...

#10:#Yo! Naruto here! Hey, have you seen that lard-o Chouji? I think he wants my stick too... MINE! For no reason, his Dad keeps comin' around and AAUUGH! GET OUTTA MY FRIDGE YOU FREAK! I BEAT YOU WITH STICK! oh shit you wear armour... fook... my stick?

#11: Got milk?

#12: Stop ringing me. You're ruining my happy tap-dance.

#13:I - In... ahem...Ino...I need your h..help, Shino is outside my  
house..tap-dancing...

I tried ringing Sakura first but her line was busy...So  
I needed another sca..strong person. If someone doesn't get rid of him soon  
I think my dad might get rid of him, broom-style. No he's going after him  
with a feather duster! D-D-D-D-DA...

#14: GASP! INO! YOU'RE A PIG! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA

#15:# Ino, this is Yamino Chikage from the Village Hidden in Sand. I KNOW you  
stole my socks last week! GIVE'M BACK! MY TOESOCKS!  
MINE-MINE-MINE-MINE-MINE!

#16: The fleeeeaassss are a comin! I will put them on you plants, but they will be plant fleas, what are plant fleas called? Akama- OOH! INO! I'm gonna kill you, make you choke or somethin!

#17: (whispering) Hello, I don't know what number I'm calling here, but you gotta help me... I've been... kidnapped... Please, she goes upstairs in the daytime to run the shop, sneak in then and send me food...

#18: If you don't bring Akamaru back tonight then I'll kill...your plants! WITH FLEAS!

I've taken them hostage! The plants I mean. I can play this game too! Plus I need Akamaru back because of my blackmail problems. I can't sleep.. he's my hot water bottle, we don't have heating, and now I have frostbite in sore places!

#19: I want to be insane again! Being normal quiet Neji is boring! I want to  
be the insane broom boy! Eheheheheh It's more fun. Seen as the broom fight  
is another year away, I need something else, mops might be good but I was  
thinking of moving away from cleaning. Opposite of cleaning...POO! No that  
doesn't work, poo's a funny word though. POO POO POO. No I need something  
else! Help me! I'm still scary, honest. RAR! Bet that made ya jump!

#20:# Hey Ino-pig! It's Sakura. Just wanted letcha know that there's this girl,  
uh, I think she said her names was Chikage or comething, bawling on my front  
porch like a baby blubbering something about...Toe socks? Do you know  
anything about this idiot? She's makin' a mess!

#21: Hello, is this the "I can help you kill your smelly older brother, and help you with your dark and moody duck image" helpline?  
Your message didn't sound like it buuut you could be...I'd like to purchase  
a 'kill that dirty bastard with a free self-tan and pedicure' kit. Send it to the cave near wherever you lost your last member. Muahahaha. (Gasp! I'm turning into HIM! TO THE BUBBLE BATH CAVE!)


End file.
